Spot the Pattern - Shift the Story
Navigating ‘Immunity to Change’ in Business Partnerships.
Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey, in their book Immunity to Change, describe how every person carries what they call “competing commitments.” These are the unconscious edges, blockers or traps that trip us up and hold us back from growth. For one leader I coached, the edge was needing to be the smartest person in the room. For another, it was a relentless desire for control. For many, it’s the fear of being “found out” as not good enough. These people often avoid taking risks like trying new things, or disagreeing with other people’s views, which could draw attention to them.
In a team, these individual edges add up to a collective “immunity to change.” It’s the Achilles’ heel that can quietly hold back performance. I once worked with an executive team whose collective edge was a mix of fear of judgement and an unwillingness to admit mistakes. The result? Plenty of subtle jabs, but very little honest feedback. When real feedback did arrive, it rarely landed well.
In family businesses, or companies where couples, close friends or siblings are the founders, these edges can be even more dangerous. One co-founder couple came to us frustrated that their business had stopped scaling. Coaching revealed that one partner was stuck in their rightness, while the other (keen to keep the peace) agreed even when they disagreed. The result was a string of poor decisions that could have been avoided with more awareness and open communication.
Andrew and I are not immune either. Recently we found ourselves locked in circular conversations, each trying to prove our own rightness. Days passed with little movement until, eventually, we spotted the pattern and took our own advice.
So what is that advice? How do you overcome a collective immunity to change?
1. Practise Self-Awareness
Journaling, meditation and reflection are powerful tools for getting to know yourself better. Reading authors like Brené Brown, Adam Grant or Jennifer Garvey Berger can also help you “find yourself in the research.” Coaching is another great way to fast-track self disovery. Coaches are typically unbiassed, so it’s easier for them to hold up a mirror and help you see what the real problem is.
2. Get Vulnerable
Self-awareness only gets you so far unless you’re willing to share what you see. Saying “I realise I can be controlling” or “I think I say yes too often because I like to please” does two things. It invites others to support you, and it creates space for them to share their own blockers. Research consistently shows that trust and psychological safety (both built on vulnerability) are more predictive of team performance than even a strong P&L.
3. Spot the Patterns and Communicate
Just as romantic partners fall into habits, business partners fall into patterns. Sometimes they’re useful; sometimes they quietly breed resentment. Take our domestic pattern: I cook, Andrew cleans up. It works in theory, but in practice it means I’m often rushing to fit cooking around my workday. I end up cutting corners, leaving the kitchen in chaos, and Andrew resentful when his evening is swallowed by tidying. After a few squabbles, we named the pattern and reworked the deal. Businesses are no different. Patterns need to be spotted, surfaced and re-negotiated before they erode trust.
4. Operate in Partner State
Partner State means you care for yourself and your business partner equally, while staying committed to the shared goals of the business. It requires leaning into difficult conversations, offering and receiving feedback, and regularly aligning and re-aligning. Effective communication here means three things: listening deeply (not preparing your rebuttal while the other speaks), being clear and concise in what you say, and checking for understanding so assumptions don’t take root.
Unlocking Change
Every team, every leader, every couple has edges. What matters is not pretending they don’t exist, but building the awareness, vulnerability, and courage to work through them. When you do, you unlock the real antidote to your immunity to change: growth, trust, and a business that thrives not in spite of its people, but because of them.
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